This is a very long and a very complicated story that I can’t tell even my friends because they would just be bored in listening and I don’t wanna ruin their day because of this story.
Last month I broke up with my boyfriend because he hurted me just too much. Its not about another girl. Its just his words that hurted me so much. We’ve broke up many times already but that time I thought it would be the end of everything but Im wrong. 3 days have passed and we never communicated so I’ve decided to tell my friends that we broke up. Then 1 week later I told my family too. Many days have passed. Sometimes he would leave a long message on my facebook and I would still reply, but we never chatted live because we can’t catch each other online. I admit that I really feel happy whenever I see a message from him. Of course, I still love him. Everytime I receive a message from him, I end up crying in my bed until i fall asleep. No one knows. I just keep it to myself.
I don’t know what happened. He still tells me that he loves me. One day he caught me online and chatted me. I replied cause I can’t resist him :’( I am happy and sad at the same time. Im happy because it’s been quite a long time since we chatted live and I am sad because its painful but I keep pretending. He want’s to get back with me. I wanted too, but I feel like Im a fool if i did that. He hurt me many times already and I want him to realize and regret what he did to me. I don’t want to go back to him anymore but my actions say that I want to. Of course, if i don’t want to, then i won’t chat or reply to his messages anymore.. :’(
I just found myself chatting with him every night or every other night. The more I chatted with him, the more I express my true feelings of wanting him. I can’t help it. I still cry every night. I never wanted to break up with him, only if he didn’t hurt me so much. I feel his pain and regret, so I told him to fix things properly and personally, not in facebook, not in phone.
Everytime we chat online, he also chat with my mom. He told my mother that he still loves me and wants to get back with me. He always chat with my mom about everything in life. Until we got to the day where his birthday is already near. He said he wants to come here and see me. His wish is to get back with me :’( I want to see him too. I miss him so much.
To make it formal, he informed my mom that he would visit here and have a drink with me. Mom told him that he can visit here and drink with me but we should just stay friends :’( The ironic thing is, I am planning to get back with him when he come here but my mom and my aunt have done their moves :’( They said we are still young and they don’t want us to make mistakes. Im not that type of girl.
Even though we know that we can’t get back, he still came here with his purpose. We drank. We still talked, hugged and kissed like we do when we we’re together. I know I am a fool for letting him do so, but I also wanted it. In my mind, I want thigns to be happy for him for that day because after that day, I don’t know if its going to happen again. I want to make him happy even for the last day. I plan to end this and be friends with him that’s why I made him feel like when we’re still together even for the last day. He doesn’t know what’s on my mind. I can see in his eyes that he’s really happy. Maybe he thought that we are back again, but I haven’t say a word about it. But I know my actions shows like we’re back again. I know im going to hurt him again :’( I know it would be painful for him in the future when I leave him here that’s why I thought its better to hurt him now so he would have time to forget me and by the time Im leaving, it wouldn’t be painful for him and me already :’( Last night I’ve sent a message to him on facebook telling him about everything, that I just wanted to be friends by now :’( I don’t know if he would understand. Its really painful, especially when I know that I would hurt him. But is there anything else I can do? This love is something that I really want but people don’t want me to have.
Sooo… I became one of the writers of the school newspaper, just because of an essay I made that my English teacher liked a lot. I was really flattered and shy. I mean, I didn’t expected that my teacher would be impressed with that essay. Our topic is about destiny. I just wrote what’s on my mind, what I feel and what I believe. I didn’t used any deep words because my vocabulary is really basic, and the worst, I rushed that essay because we only have little time to do the activity. It was my first essay for this school year that’s why Im really really surprised especially that my english teacher have high standards because he(actually he’s a gay) is very fluent and very good in English. My teacher told me that my essay is impressive and remarkable. I am really flattered and happy but I didn’t thought it would result to more work. He told me that he would get me as a writer, and since I didn’t have any choice, I just said yes. You know I don’t have enough self-confidence. I just don’t want him to think that I was rejecting his offer, Im afraid he would be offended. And there we go. Yesterday, I attended the staffer’s meeting for the first time. Since I was in freshmen, I’ve actually always joined the club but since I think I don’t belong to the club and I don’t have enough confidence for myself, I never attended meetings before that’s why I never became an active member. Now that I am fourth year, I know I would need extra-curricular activities for an extra grade. I want to have good grades again since last year I kinda messed up(but I didn’t fail any subjects). Im actually looking for club/s to join in and Im a little happy that I don’t have to look for a club anymore. Yesterday they’ve assigned work to everyone of us, and unfortunately…. I got into the “news” section. News is really not my thing! I hate watching news or listening to news because it just makes me feel sad, i feel like the news only tells bad news like who died, how many died, how they died.. I don’t want that information! :\ And besides, even if I try to watch news, I don’t really understand it especially when Im not interested to the topic. I want the Opinion section because that’s where I am comfortable and i think i would do better in that section since I am an expressive type of person, and I like to write about my deep thoughts. I feel in trouble now, but I know I must handle it since my teacher gave his faith to me and I must not disappoint him. But what can I do when its not my thing and when Im not good at it? :(
I really hate these kind of people!
Today I had a really bad and annoying experience. I have this female friend who is really sadistic and flirty!
Just this afternoon when I was finished doing our activity and I am talking and joking with her and my guy friend, I was surprised when she suddenly threw her wallet at my face!!!! She’s so stupid! I didn’t say anything that could make her mad, all I know is that we were joking and laughing with her, but I swear I didn’t say something offensive! I didn’t even expected that she would do that! That’s why Im really surprised and mad!
I won’t be mad if it didn’t hurt me, but it hit my lower lip and it swelled! And now it has a dark pigment, I think its a bruise! Damn! I can’t imagine how angry I am that time, and up until now. I told her that it hurt me and she acted like she didn’t heard anything and came to me again. I felt real bad, Im so mad that I want to punch her in the face but I can’t because I know I would be wrong if I did that and I don’t wanna start a commotion! I don’t have any choice and I felt like crying!!!! Instead of crying, I just walked out and told my other friends about what she did! They knew that she was sadistic and she did not only did this to me once, but this is the second time!!! My friends understood me and told me that if she does it again, they would talk to her, but Im not yet contented! I know she’s also our friend and we’re really close but she didn’t have to be like that! She was so unreasonable! Its just not right to hurt someone whenever you wanted! I think i would be fine is she apologized but she didn’t! What a bitch!
She’s a real flirt and whenever me and my other friends tell her whose our crush, she will definitely flirt with them! I know that part of her real well that’s why I never tell her if I like a new person, and I don’t even care if she flirt with them! I don’t have any complain about her aside from being childish! I’ve told myself that I don’t want to be involved or to make a fight since Im a graduating student, but she’s starting!!!! I don’t know if she’s secretly angry to me or whatever but all I know is she didn’t have to throw the damn wallet to my face! Later this day she kept on going beside me and I know she wants to start a conversation and I kept going away! I hate her, I don’t wanna even talk to her! I just realized that she’s a fucking bitch and needs to get out of our group of friends before she ruins us! And Im telling you, I am not the type of person to start a fight, but if she’s going to start this, well I’ll be the one to finish it, and I don’t really mind getting into a fight especially that I know I am right! (And besides, its been 6 years since I got into a fight!)
When I say I get angry easily, I mean it. Im not having anger management problems but I have a very short patience, like when someone is doing a weird thing and I don’t like it, I’ll get angry but I just keep it to myself. But if it gets to the point that you’re really making me angry on purpose, I wouldn’t really mind getting into a fight.
- to meet you
- to hold hands with you
- hug you tightly
- for you to hug me tight
- kiss you
- for you to kiss me on the forehead
- to cry on your shoulders
- to talk with you
- to be with you
I just need you now :’( Why can’t you be here at these times?